She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I'm like, not good at living.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
