dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
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