Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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