The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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