the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
