I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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