Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
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All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
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