I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
