def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
