Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
