She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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