We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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