after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
