The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
