they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
