i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
