You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
