A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Randomize
