Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
