So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
