I CAN MOONWALK!
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!