I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I miss vodka workout Fridays
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Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
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I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?