I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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