Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
