I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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