i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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