I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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