He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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