I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
