you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
