i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
