Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
