Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
