I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
