just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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