I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
