I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
drinking out of a sandbucket again
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
