Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
hell yes lets make some ravioli
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
