Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Randomize
