i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
