dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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