I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
