haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
