Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
