you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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