The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
