So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
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