Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
