Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
