Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
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i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
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Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.