You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
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