found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
