My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
