dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
