girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
