Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Randomize
