Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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