Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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