He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
