so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
