I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
My ass is underappreciated
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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