her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
