I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
God I need to hump something, right now.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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