when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
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